


The edge of something beautiful

by ourlilstars



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 20:33:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11585676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourlilstars/pseuds/ourlilstars
Summary: TW:Cancer, Major Character Death When Serena is taken ill, Bernie vows to support her all of the way. Even when it become apparent there is nothing more they can do. Three part story.Was previously posted on FF.net but moving more on to here.





	1. Chapter 1

The edge of something beautiful

Serena sighed as she awoke, all too familiar with the irritating beeping noises and harsh florescent tube lighting, which was replacing the natural sunlight and delicate radio she was used to awaking to. It was the second week she had been on this ward, the oncology ward, and as much as she was hating it she was still relieved (if somewhat surprised, admittedly) that she was not awaking alone. As she had done right since Serena had first collapsed, and been scanned on AAU before being admitted up here, Bernie was sitting in the chair beside her bed. This time she was sipping a cup of strong black coffee, and reading a book.

"Ahh, good, you're awake!" Bernie smiled upon hearing movement from the bed. Serena was becoming weaker and weaker, and even the slightest movement required so much effort for her. The various medications she was on to control the pain, and reduce the nasty side effects on the rest of her organs from the aggressive cancer were effecting her, and although she didn't like to admit it, she knew they were beginning to fail.

"Morning darling." Serena replied simply, squeezing Bernie's hand and smiling slightly. Strong, dependable Bernie – her big macho army medic, the one person in the world she could fully trust, had been there every step of the way. Even as Serena had crumbled, and Bernie wanted nothing more than to do the same, she had stayed with her, a positive constant every step of the way.

When she was first told, Bernie had been positive in the "You can have treatment, you can fight it!" way. When she was told it was untreatable, so far advanced and aggressive that all they could do was control the symptoms and try to stop the pain, she was positive in another way. Positive that Serena would have her support, that she would be there every step of the way, every day and every night.

She kept her promise, even now when there was no hope and nothing left to cling to.

They sat together, in companionable silence, until Serena's consultant came into the room, holding Serena's file, with a sombre look on his face.

"Serena. Bernie." He spoke in a soft voice, that of a well-mannered, kind gentleman who was so well prepared for what was to come.

"I'm so sorry. You are both doctors, so I see no point sugar coating this. The thing is, the drugs we were administering to lessen the impact of the cancer on your liver and kidneys is not working as it should. Your organs are finding it hard to process the medications in your body, and I'm truly sorry but that medication is no longer an option. There are no other alternatives." He spoke softly, pausing so they could both take in the news. Bernie turned to Serena, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears as she looked across at her pale, tired girlfriend.

"How long?" Serena asked, a lump in her throat. She'd known all along of course, that it was only a matter of time, that the medication to help her body would eventually become too much and start to do the opposite. It was a strange kind of acceptance; knowing one's fate and being totally powerless to do anything at all to change it.

"Days. Serena, I'm so sorry. I know this must be so difficult. We'll keep the pain relief going, and help you remain as settled as possible. I promise. If there's goodbyes you need to say, people you need to see, I suggest you do it now sooner rather than later." He smiled softly, Serena was a colleague, and although they had not worked together much or knew much about each other until her stay on his unit they'd quickly established a rapport, and although he knew he could not delay the inevitable it was one of the cases that really got to him.

The doctor left, leaving the two woman in the room alone.

"Bernie. I have some things I need to do. I've already sorted out all of the paperwork, and everything like that, the practical things. But I can't just go without saying goodbye." She spoke gently, rubbing Bernie's hand. As hard as it was for Serena, as she knew from her own experiences of grief it was always much harder for those left behind.

"Of course Serena, everything you want. What do you want me to do?" She asked, smiling slightly as she wrapped her arms around Serena, who had manoeuvred herself into a sitting position.

"I need to see Henrik. And Fletch, and Raf and Morven and… Jasmine. And Sacha. Zosia and Jac please too, them first. Anyone else who wants to come and see me is more than welcome too." Serena listed, mentally straining as she remembered everyone she needed to see.

"OK my love. I'll go to Darwin and get Jac and Zosia, and I'll sort things with Henrik so he can come and see you after ok? And I'll organise everyone else." She laughed gently, even though Serena was in this God-awful position, and even though there was so little to laugh, even smile about, it was amusing to see that Serena was just as demanding as ever. And she wouldn't change her for the world.

Minutes after Bernie had left in the lift, Jac and Zosia appeared by her bedside.

"Please, sit down." Serena smiled, gesturing towards Bernie's recently vacated seat and the chair next to it. Exchanging a questioning glance the two cardiothoracic specialists sat down, Jac slipping her hand into Serena's in an uncharacteristic display of affection. In the months after Eleanor's death, after everything that had happened with Jasmine they had become close, confidants as such, and Serena felt it was most important that she spoke to her whilst she still could.

"Jac. You're a brilliant surgeon, and a brilliant mum, and you've proved yourself to be an amazing sister. I am so proud of you, how much you have changed and how much you've grown as a doctor, but also as a person, since I first met you. I know you and Zosia are together, I know you've tried to hide it but – if you can learn anything from me and Bernie you can see how well we were accepted. If you're in love you should bloody well be proud of it!" Serena drawled, smiling as she saw the look exchanged between the two heart doctors.

"Serena, how did you know? I mean, you make a valid point, but?" Jac questioned, eyebrow slightly raised as she looked inquisitively towards the woman in the bed.

"Jac, you don't get to my age without noticing some things, and you're as clearly in love as I'm clearly never leaving this place. It's obvious, and it's obvious it's real because I know you Jac Naylor, and I know you'd not be all mushy if it wasn't the real thing!" Serena laughed, wheezing slightly.

"Zosia, again – I'm so proud of you. You've achieved so much and if nothing else seeing you wind up your dad amuses me no end, but you should be proud of yourself. You two, it's just natural. It's just right and it's like Bernie and I. You're lucky you've both found happiness, just hold on to it, please." Serena choked, the lump in her throat increasing as she thought about just how much she'd give to see them grow together.

After a few more pieces of exceptional (if a little insane) life advice from Serena, the pair went on their way, both hugging Serena and failing to choke back the tears as they left their dear friend, mentor and colleague.

Henrik was next, and he entered the room quietly. Exchanging pleasantries, Serena smiled, beckoning him to come closer. When he did she pulled him into a hug, crying softly into his shoulder.

"Henrik, I don't want to do this in front of the others, I really don't want them to see me like this. I'm scared. I'm dying and it's not fair and I don't bloody like it. Please please please look after yourself, don't hurt yourself for the sake of other people or this hospital. We all have a lot of respect for you, and no matter what you do, don't forget your family. Your son and your grandson both love you, don't be alone." She whispered, pulling him close into her. At first his body was stiff and rigid, but he relaxed, and comforted her. It was nice to know that she could fall apart around him, in a way she didn't want to with Bernie.

After a few more minutes of conversation, and Henrik promising to look after Bernie, he was gone.

The next people to come and see Serena were Fletch and Raf. She gave them both advice for their careers, for Fletch's children, and for supporting each other. They'd reminisced, shared anecdotes and conspired about their future, until Bernie had arrived back and it was time for them to go back to their wards. In Bernie's absence, Raf was back on AAU and it seemed unlikely he was ever going to return to Keller.

After lunch, Serena managed to say her goodbyes to Sacha, Essie and Dom, with a few words of advice about crappy relationships and finding 'the one' For Dom, who was still reeling after the relationship breakdown, abuse and subsequent arrest of Issac. It was hard, giving advice and being unsure how things were going to turn out, but it was something she had to accept.

After a sleep in the afternoon Serena was feeling more energised. She was off her drip, and although she knew it was inevitable her organs would struggle she felt better than she had done in the past couple of days. The afternoon was spent with Bernie, both of them cuddled up together on the bed discussing everything, from their childhoods to Bernie's plans for her future and the trauma unit.

Not long after she woke up, she received a text from Jasmine.

"Hey, can I come and see you? Jas x"

Typing out a reply, Serena encouraged her to come up, She'd made peace with Jasmine a long time ago, that night on the roof, and they'd become so close. Jasmine had been to see every day without fail, bringing her little gifts and treats, and offers of support. She'd also been amazing with Jason, and looking after Bernie. She was staying with Bernie and Jason at the moment, and Serena had something she needed to tell her.

10 minutes later and Jasmine was sat on the foot of Serena's bed, holding the older woman's hand.

"Jasmine darling, I have something to tell you." Serena began softly, gesturing for Jasmine to make herself confortable.

"I've decided, seeing as I've got no other dependants, and Jason has £375k from his mother's house, and he's going to move in with Alan full time, and Bernie has enough money for my house 5 times over… They don't need money or a house and Jasmine, I want you to be provided for in the future because you don't have any family to help you… I've left you my house in the will. It's currently been valued at £400,000, and you can sell it, rent it or live in it, it's entirely up to you." Serena explained, holding the girl's hand tight.

"Serena… I can't take that, you know I can't. You don't need to do that. It should go to Jason, or Bernie at least… I don't deserve that." Jasmine protested, tears in her eyes.

"Darling, it's exactly what you deserve. I want to know that you're going to be provided for, looked after. It is SO important to me." Serena protested, an air of calm in her voice, although it shook.

"Thank you. Thank you so much. I love you." Jasmine cried, tears rolling down her face. Although they'd started off and mentor and F1, then hating each other, they'd become so close over the past 6 months since Eleanor's death and for Jasmine, she knew it was going to be like losing her mum, even worse than losing her mum.

"Yes. Now, enough upset. Tell me about your plans for the future!" Serena smiled, settling herself comfortably against Bernie as Jasmine sat on the bottom of the bed. There were probably rules about having 3 people on one bed, in fact she was certain she'd had to enforce them before, but what harm would it do? She was with two of the most important people in her life, the third being Jason of course, but it was so unsettling for him to visit she didn't want him to see her like this.

Despite everything, she was happy. She was at peace, and calm, and prepared for everything the next few days were going to throw at her.


	2. Chapter 2

After a busy day of saying her goodbyes, as emotionally draining as it was, Serena didn't want to go to sleep. She didn't want to miss a minute she could spend with her amazing, perfect, Bernie, and without even thinking about it she asked Bernie to bring her a wheelchair.

"Serena why? You should stay here." Bernie has protested, not for one minute serious. The prospect of getting to take Serena to their place, even just one more time, was something she so desperately craved.

Stopping a doctor, Bernie began to speak.

"You see, we always used to go up onto the roof. She has only got a few days, and I so want to be able to take her up there. Please." Bernie begged, running a hand through her hair. She was so desperate to take Serena up there one last time, she'd have done anything. Signed her life away right there and then if it meant she could get the last bit of time she wanted so desperately with her beautiful girlfriend.

"OK. I don't see why not, it can't do any harm." The doctor agreed, touching Bernie's arm as she nodded thankfully. Grabbing the nearest wheelchair, Bernie took it to her room.

"Right then my love, your chariot awaits. I've cleared it with your consultant and I can take you up to the roof, no further than that I'm afraid, but I figured you might want to go up there." Bernie said softly. It was so hard, she wanted so desperately to fall apart and cry but whilst Serena was still here to need her that just wasn't an option.

Helping her into the wheelchair Bernie placed her arms around Serena, grabbing her NHS hoodie from where it had been discarded on the end of the bed and wrapping it around her. They set off, slowly, down the corridor. Serena smiled – it was the thing she most wanted to do, like nothing else, and she knew even though it was most likely going to be 'goodbye' there was no way she'd rather spend it. Catching sight of her doctor, she motioned for Bernie to halt the wheelchair for a moment.

"Any chance I can have a fag? I haven't had one in two weeks and well, I'd quite like to whilst I still have the chance!" Serena asked, chuckling slightly.

"Ok, I don't see it causing any harm." The doctor agreed, neglecting to comment about the roof most definitely not allowing smoking. It was her last few days, and if she wanted to spend it on the roof with her partner that was most definitely something he could let slide.

"Any chance of some shiraz?" Serena asked, cocking her eyebrow cheekily. The doctor laughed, nodding his head and placing a finger to his lips.

"One glass. Any more than that and it'll stop the pain relief. And I didn't know anything about it." He answered, leaning in as if sharing a secret.

Bernie continued, making a quick detour up to AAU where she knew there was a bottle of shiraz in the office. Serena felt it weird, being back on what was HER ward, and smiled slightly as Morven came over from the patient she was attending.

"Just getting my wine!" Serena laughed, causing Morven to do the same. It was weird being back, even weirder knowing it was most likely going to be the last time she came onto this ward.

Bernie came back, and after talking to Morven for a moment longer and giving her a farewell hug, they were back on their way up to the roof.

Once they had reached the roof top Bernie pulled the deck chairs and blankets out from the disused maintenance cupboard up there. They'd been stowed up there since the night of their first 'shiraz and a fag on the roof' date, and Bernie knew she would appreciate the warmth.

Setting the area up, Bernie helped Serena into the deckchair, wrapping her in the thick blanket and handing her the glass of shiraz. Pulling out a packet of cigarettes from her own hoodie pocket she lit one, passing it to Serena before lighting one for herself and sitting herself down.

"I can't believe it's come to this." Serena exhaled softly. The view was magnificent in the dark, the lights of Holby and further than that, Bristol, shining brightly in the distance.

"I know, I know my love. I wish I could change it but I can't. Do you remember the first time we ever came up here? When Alex had just turned up for me?" Bernie questioned, placing her hand inside Serena's.

"I do indeed. Just looking at all of the lights, it was incredible. I knew I loved you, even then. I was just never brave enough." Serena spoke, her voice thickening as her eyes brimmed with unshed tears. This goodbye was always going to be the hardest.

"We stood there, together. On the edge of the roof, leaning against the cold metal railings. I knew then I loved you too, I just didn't know you felt the same. I love you so much. I always have, since we first met." Bernie replied, tears running freely down her face as she held the weaker brunette close. It was so hard, seeing her like this, and having to say these goodbyes, but she had to. She had no choice.

"We stood there, we loved each other and we didn't even say anything!" Serena laughed, tears running down her face also. Bernie reached over and wiped them away, her fingers soft against Serena's cold, pale face.

"I was right on the edge of doing it. We were on the edge of the roof, and I was on the edge of telling you how I felt. But if you hadn't have felt the same, I don't know what I'd have done." Bernie admitted.

"Standing on the edge of something beautiful." Serena sighed.

"Quite." Bernie choked out.

And they sat, for a few hours more, drinking the wine and smoking the cigarettes and talking about everything and nothing all at once, until it was time for them to go back.

Bernie tried to keep her composure as she wheeled her back down to the ward. Pushing her into her room, she helped her out of the chair and into the bed, before getting in beside her and holding her close, sharing body heat and memories at the same time.


	3. Chapter 3

The night had been long, and difficult for both Serena and Bernie. Neither were quite ready to say goodbye, but both were all too aware that they didn't have long. All Serena could hope for at this stage was that Bernie didn't leave her, and that she was not alone. It was strange, as horrible and terrifying as the situation was she felt a strange sense of calm.

Neither of them had slept for any more than an hour, preferring much more to talk, to lie together and hold each other when talking became too much. For Bernie, she was dreading the hours and days and weeks when Serena was no longer there. Coming back to work would be near enough impossible, although she'd have to, for the unit (Serena had made her promise to come back for it, for it to be their legacy) because everywhere she looked, everything she did and every case she dealt with would remind her of the brilliant woman she was so lucky to call her partner.

For Bernie, seeing people die, and being with them in their last moments, was nothing new. Years in the army, paired with years as a trauma surgeon, meant she was more than aware of what it was like to watch someone pass away. In Afghanistan and Iraq it was some of her best friends, in Holby it would be her one true love.

Serena was terrified of course, no matter how hard she tried to hide it. It was a given, knowing you are going to die and knowing it probably won't be that long… It was never going to be easy and it was never going to get any easier.

She'd declined in the night.

They'd taken her off all of the monitors, allowed her to change into her own clothes and wrap her own blankets around themselves on the bed. The room was dark, the lights switched off. The single drip in her arm was providing pain relief, there was nothing more they could do except wait and make her as comfortable as possible.

Serena couldn't help but wonder if her death would have been any easier if it was like Elinor's, quick and unexpected, or in theatre or in an accident. Would it be any easier on Bernie? Or would being able to sit and prepare be any easier? She didn't know. All she could hope was that Bernie would be okay, and that Henrik would honour his promise and make sure she was ok.

She knew she was getting weaker, she knew it most probably wouldn't be long. She was cuddled into Bernie, her head buried into her chest as if by doing that she could stay there forever, and not be so painfully torn away from the person she loved the most in the entire world.

Things had been different when Elinor was alive, but now she was going to join her daughter and as horrible as it was a small part of her found confort in that. That she was not going to be alone any longer.

Shifting her weight, Serena moved so she was face to face with Bernie. Bernie placed her hands on Serena's cheeks, smiling slightly through the tears.

"Serena, I love you so much. I don't want to loose you, I love you." She sobbed, her tears silent and hot as they ran down her face.

"I know Bernie, I'm sorry. I love you so much, I don't want to leave you. You must promise me you'll look after yourself." Serena choked. Without the medication her organs were failing, and her hearbeat was slowing down. She knew it wasn't going to be long, and so did Bernie. She was aware, she knew what was going to happen yet she could not prepare herself.

"It's ok. You'll be with Elinor, and your mum. I love you, I love you so much. Promise me you know that?" Bernie cried, pressing a kiss to Serena's lips.

"I know. I love you, I love you so much. Bernie I can't fight this anymore. I'm tired." Serena whispered, hot tears running down her face and intermingling with Bernie's.

"I love you. You can go, I love you so much Serena. I love you." Bernie whispered, holding Serena close to her as she closed her eyes. Pressing a kiss to her lips one last time.

"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you." Bernie muttered soothingly, stroking Serena's hair as she took her last breaths. It was only when Bernie was certain she was gone she moved, pressing the call button on the remote to alert the nurses and doctors, who came rushing in.

From there it was a blur. Hands pulling her own away from Serena, prising her away. Someone sitting her down and holding her, she didn't know who. And then blackness, when she collapsed from exhaustion and grief, having been awake for over 48 hours and saying goodbye to the woman she loved so very much.

The news of Serena's passing was announced on each ward, everyone finding out. Henrik, who was sat in his office when he heard the news, lay his head in his hands, tears escaping from his piercing eyes, shattering his normally emotionless façade.

On Darwin, Ollie had broken the news. Jac had clung to Zosia, Serena was a friend and she couldn't deal with the grief of losing her. Then worry for her sister, and for Bernie. They were all close. Tears melting the ice queen.

On Keller, it was Sacha who gave the news. Scooping Essie into a bear hug, unsure if it was more for her benefit or his. He'd worked with her, she was a friend. Dom, with tears running down his face as he remembered everything Serena had said to him, trying to hold it together and failing so massively.

On AAU it was the worst. Fletch was the one to break the news, with a lump in his throat and tears in his eyes. Raf was right there, beside him, holding him as they cried together for a mentor, friend and colleague. Jasmine, who ran to the locker room, bile rising in her throat. Morven, running after her and holding her as they both sat on the cold, hard floor, comforting each other.

When Jasmine had managed to comprehend what had happened she ran, all the way up the stairs to the oncology unit, to where Bernie was sat against the wall, her cheeks red and stained with tears. She could cry no more.

There they sat, Bernie and Jasmine, holding onto each other for dear life as they mourned for the person that had changed their lives in so many ways.


End file.
